Flattery or Harassment? Sexual Attention in the Workplace and How to Deal With It

A recent posting by Above the Law discussing the “Hot Attorney” website caught my attention. Here’s the link: http://abovethelaw.com/2008/07/hotatty_hot_attorney_website.php. The “Hot Attorney” website has since been taken down but the reactions to it continue. While many of the female attorneys whose pictures were posted without their knowledge were understandably angry, one associate was not upset and seemed to be flattered by the attention.

This raises some interesting issues: when it comes to sexual attention in the workplace, what is flattery, what is harassment and how should the recipient of this type of attention respond?

Flattery or Harassment?

First, when gauging one’s reaction, context is key. Was a questionable comment made one-on- one or in front of a new client at an intake meeting?

Second, what is the power differential? Partner to associate or associate to associate?

Third, does the individual who made the comment have a reputation for that sort of behavior? If so, you may be doing the office a favor by letting them know in order to prevent it from happening again.

Fourth, and most importantly, how did it make you feel? Did it make you feel happy or demeaned?

What To Do?

After you’ve had a chance to think it through and gauge for yourself whether you were complimented or harassed, and you believe that you were harassed, then here are some possible ways to address the situation.

First, discreetly take the individual aside and talk about it. You may begin with a soft opening such as, “Look, you probably meant it is a compliment but….” and then express how the comment made you feel. If it happened in front of others, explain to the person that you don’t want your colleagues thinking about you in a sexual manner. When they think about you at all, you want it to be about your work and your value as a professional.

Second, if you’re too intimidated to talk to the person directly, seek out a trusted senior attorney to confide in and perhaps use as a go-between.

Third, if you feel that the situation has gotten out of hand, then talk to a trusted Labor & Employment attorney within your firm. Perhaps the individual in question has a history of this type of behavior.

Fourth, if you work with the individual on a daily basis, and you feel that the damage can not be repaired, then ask to be re-assigned to other matters.

Fifth, remember that you did nothing wrong and that you are entitled to work in an environment where you feel safe and at ease with your colleagues.

Conclusion

As a lawyer, it’s important to keep in mind that you will oftentimes work under extreme stress and time pressures. Some people handle it better than others. That said, be sure to carefully evaluate the question: flattery or harassment? Is someone simply using their out-loud voice when they shouldn’t? Or, is this a pattern of unwelcome, and inappropriate, attention? If it is the latter, then do something about it. But, if it is the former, then perhaps use a bit of humor to re-direct the attention and drive on.

Finally, a bit of anecdotal advice. I used to be an Army JAG attorney and spent a considerable amount of my time at Ft. Bragg, N.C. In Army parlance, Bragg is known as “the center of the universe.” It’s home to the Airborne and Special Operations Forces. Hence, Bragg is a very macho place and to succeed there, it behooves one to be “one of the guys.” In this way, it was very much like a law firm where the senior partners are often men and you’ve got to play along to get along.

Now, the men that I worked with at Bragg were mostly professionals, but there were a few exceptions. For the exceptions, I learned that the most effective way to handle them was to pull them away from the group, look them straight in the eye, and tell them I thought that they could do better. It worked and I didn’t come off as shrill or overly sensitive. In fact, one of these clowns eventually became a friend of mine and turned out to be not such a bad guy.

So, keep your sense of humor, try not to overreact and remember that a direct approach is most often the most successful one.

Is FUN a Four Letter Word?

When I made the transition from practicing law to become a recruiter, I thought that my stress-induced sleepless nights were a thing of the past. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I recently had to pause and re-visit the stress management techniques I tried to master when I was practicing law. Doing so made me recall the importance of stress management.

I don’t pretend to have all the answers when it comes to effective stress management. I feel a great deal of responsibility to the attorneys I represent and I’ve had to counsel people through some pretty difficult junctures in their careers. Between my professional obligations and the craziness of my household (two young children and many pets), stress management is something I have to work on constantly. For now, a few tips that I have found to be incredibly effective:

• Exercise: I didn’t believe it until I committed to a regular exercise routine but the mental benefits of exercise are incredible. The gym has never “done it” for me so, instead, I found myself taking tennis lessons, joining recreational sports teams, etc. The key is to find something that you enjoy doing so that you will actually do it!
• Take a deep breath: When you feel the pot is going to boil-over, step away from the kitchen and take a breather. Leave your office. Take a walk, grab a cup of coffee, and then come back to the fray. I know it’s not always possible to step away but, I also think that many of us tend to overstate just how impossible it really is to step away. We all have deadlines and e-mails that need to be returned. But, take time to be honest with yourself and if you really can step away for five minutes, do it! You’ll be much more effective after you’ve had a chance to breathe.
• Smile or (gasp) Laugh many times a day: It feels good to smile. Even better if you can come up with a reason to laugh. It sounds so simple but if you stop and pay attention, you might be surprised to find that the world seems to have stopped smiling. If you stop for a brief moment, think of something wonderful, positive, or funny and allow yourself to smile, you’ll be amazed at the difference it makes in your overall disposition.

Above all, know thyself. As I said at the beginning, stress management is not my strong suit. But, I do know that when I find myself snapping at people or waking up at 2:00 am for no apparent reason, I’m letting things get to me. And, that’s when I know I have to go back to the simple things that help me manage my stress levels. I really believe that stress is responsible for a lot of illnesses and other difficulties. So, it’s worth it to take the time to think about the way you manage stress and learn to adopt some good, healthy habits!